Perspective

There have been a few things lately that I've been really struggling with. Last week an online friend lost her baby at 25 weeks. It's her 3rd loss, but the furthest along. I am so sad for her and for her family. I just can't believe how cruel life can be sometimes. They've been trying for several years and dealing with IF. Then to get so close. It's just not fair.

Yesterday we had some more really bad news. A dear family friend who's been dealing with cancer just found out that the aggressive chemo and radiation, and surgery last week did not eliminate all the cancer from her body. It has spread to her lymph nodes. Apparently, they did the most aggressive treatment and only got 30% of the cancer. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the likelihood of her not being around much longer. She is so young and vital, and she is one of the most beautiful people (inside & out) that I know. It's just unbelievable.

I don't know how to reconcile these situations in my heart. They go against every belief that I have about being a good person and finding meaning in life. I don't even know where to begin. And I guess that I've been here for a while with our IF. But this certainly gives me a little perspective on what I am dealing with. I am holding my family a little closer today. And my heart is just broken.

Hi

How are you? I'm good thanks. :)

I've been busy with all kinds of things lately. Trying to keep my mind off of which cycle day it is (CD 8 if you were curious). We are remodeling a bathroom right now and I'm in the process of picking tile, fixtures, etc. I am terrible at this. There are just too many choices. We spent all day on Saturday looking at tile for the shower and I couldn't make up my mind. We already have the floor tile. We used it in our kitchen previously. The house was built in 1952, and in keeping with the era I was kind of thinking white subway tiles. What do you think? If you have any examples of tile showers that you love, please send them my way!

Then on Sunday morning our car stopped running. Dave had to replace the power steering pump. We ended up not being able to get all the parts we needed in town and had to order one of them. So, we were out of a car until last night. I'm so happy that my husband is uber-capable. It's reassuring to know that he can handle whatever comes our way.

Now we are just waiting for this weekend when we finish up our last two PRIDE Pre-Service classes for foster care. I have yet to really get started on the mountain of paperwork involved. It's pretty daunting. We still have a little time though. There is one more class we have to take for CPR/First-Aid. Then things like TB tests, fingerprinting and that paperwork. One step at a time!

I'm heading into the RE's office on Monday for my follicle check. Hoping for some good news. This cycle is going by pretty fast, for which I am grateful. Probably because we are so busy.

On the Eve

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

How appropriate is it that on the Eve of Barack Obama's inaugaration, we are celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day? I love it. I love that today is Bush's last day. I love that tomorrow is a day I've been waiting for. I love that there is hope.

How totally unfair is that on the Eve of such a great day I am waiting on this cycle to come to an end? So unfair. All the hope I feel for my Country is tempered by my total lack of hope in my ability to get pregnant. I was pretty sure that this cycle wouldn't work. Right up until last Friday. Then my body totally started fucking with me and I thought, well..maybe. I waited until Saturday night and finally broke down and tested. BFN. I don't know why I let myself start to believe. It just makes it so much harder.

So, now I'm waiting to start another cycle. It should be any time now. Probably on to IUI #2.

After testing on Saturday night (and Sunday morning) it was really hard to sit through the second day of Pre-Service training (Foster Parent class). The class was really good though. We learned A LOT. Looking forward to finishing it up in another 2 weeks. Time to get to work on that application!

Well, I am off work today. Dave had to go in, so I'm trying to get some things done around the house. We haven't been home much lately and there's a lot to catch up on. Hopefully things are starting to calm down a little. It would be nice to have a less stressful cycle next time.

Crazy life

I've been meaning to post for a few days and let you know how things are going, but some things came up. We are flying back to Arizona tomorrow. My Mother-in-Law passed away on Friday morning. It was not totally unexpected because of her health, but happened a lot faster than anyone thought it would. Fortunately we were just there a week ago and were able to spend a good amount of time with her and let her know that we love her and hold good thoughts for her. She will be missed.



We decided to continue with our IUI since we were so close and then fly down for the memorial service this week. Our 2nd u/s was on Saturday morning. The sonographer told us that we had 1 follicle at 17.5. We're not sure what happened to the 2nd one, but one is better than none! Their typical protocol is to wait until it's at 18-20 and said we should come back on Monday for 3rd u/s and probably IUI on Tuesday. We told her about our situation and that we needed to fly down to Arizona on Monday or Tuesday and she told us to wait in the waiting room and she would talk to the doctor to see if there was anything they could do. The doctor said that we should go ahead and trigger. I was concerned about the egg being immature, but the sonographer said that they actually consider them mature at 15, but use 20 as a conservative guideline. I'm hoping that was the right call. They gave me a trigger shot and scheduled an appointment for the next morning (this morning).

The IUI went really well. DH's count was well above the minimum (yay!) and I had good CM. We are hopeful that it will have a good outcome despite the stress and schedule we are under.

Now, I need to go pack so we can get on a plane tomorrow morning!

Goodbye and Hello

I can't say that I'm sad to say goodbye to 2008. It's been a hell of a year. After many months of thinking I would end the year the same way it began - in limbo, I am so relieved to be moving forward. Many disappointments this year, mostly relating to infertility. But there have been many good things too. I am married to the most wonderful person I have ever known. In November our country made a choice to believe in hope and change and in itself. I am comforted by the many connections I've made in blogland.

I have hope. And that is the best gift I can think of. Bring it on 2009. We are so ready.

Happy New Year! Thank goodness for new days, new years, and new chances.

There and back

We had a lovely Christmas Day at home this year. I made cookies and toffee the day before. My Dad came over in the afternoon and I made dinner - walnut crusted pork chops with roasted veggies. Yum.

We had not planned on leaving town, but had a semi-family emergency and flew down to Arizona on Friday. Just returned last night. Phew.

The cycle day 12 ultrasound is tomorrow. It will actually be CD11, but close enough. I am getting nervous that the Letrozole/Femara didn't have any effect. Please let there be some follicles growing! I finished the pills on Saturday with (fortunately) very little side effects. I had a killer headache the first day, and felt a little jittery the first two days. After that...nothing. I feel pretty fortunate, especially since we had to travel.

Hopefully I'll have some good news tomorrow.

Happy Holidays

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas or Happy (belated) Hanukkah. For all the girls that are TTC, I am hopeful that we will all find our babies this year. I'll be toasting to that tomorrow.

Peace and Love.

Day 6

Today is the sixth day of our diet. So far so good! The first two days were pure torture! I thought I might beat someone up for a good piece of bread or a potato. :) After the second day it was pretty easy. I do miss things. Especially the beer. I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone. I'm not sure if this will be the right diet for me, but it's worth a shot. I really need to get the cookbook though. I'm getting a little bored with the meals. Although, after the 2 week mark we move into phase two and get to add some foods back in. That makes me happy!

The only problem is that I don't think I've lost any weight. My husband says he can tell, but I just think he's being nice. The scale actually went up a pound. We aren't totally sure that our scale works properly, and that could be the issue. If I haven't lost anything by two weeks, I'm throwing in the towel. They say you should lose 8-13 pounds by then. Humpf.

It's been 10 days since the surgery and I feel pretty good. Mostly back to normal. We go back to the RE today to find out the next step. Keep your fingers crossed that we get to cycle again!

Recovering

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments and emails. It is so nice to have such a supportive community. You guys are the best!

I am doing really well. Surprisingly very little pain. I did start to notice the shoulder pain from the trapped gas they use in surgery, but I've been keeping my feet up since we got home last night and that seems to help a lot. I have my trusty pain killers too and that doesn't hurt! :) Also, Dave has been amazing and pretty much won't let me lift a finger. I could get used to this! ;)

The surgery went better than I had even hoped. The doctor said, "best possible outcome." As it turned out, the fibroid was a polyp. I'm not totally clear on the difference yet, but I guess that's good. I need to read up on that a bit. And he didn't have to take either of my tubes!!! What we thought was a diseased tube was actually endometriosis (I need to research this some too), and it had attached to the end of my right tube and caused a blockage. The doctor was able to remove all the adhesions and scar tissue and says that both of my tubes are open and ready for business! I was in the recovery room when he told me, so I don't remember all the details, and all I could do was smile. He was so excited to tell me, I don't think he could wait until I was more awake. It was pretty cute.

So, I go back the week after next and I think I'll get to stop the BCP then. So, our next cycle may be much closer than I thought. We'll see how that goes. For now, I'm going to bask in the joy of keeping all my body parts and being (hopefully) fully functional after my recovery.

Big day

Tomorrow is the big day. Surgery is in the afternoon and I can't eat anything after midnight tonight. I can't even have water! It's going to be a long morning. I'm looking forward to getting it over with. I've been running through the possible outcomes and most of them aren't too bad, but you never know what they are going to find in there. Definately nervous about the unknown.

Not sure how coherent I will be, but I will try to post something on Saturday with (some of) the details.

Tonight we are off to our adoption info session! We got our home study packet in the mail yesterday and I've already read through the whole thing. We'll start filling it out this weekend. :) We've had really positive feedback from all the family and friends we've shared this with so far. I appreciate everyone's support and good thoughts.

Well, see you in a few days less one tube and a fibroid!

New plan

It's amazing how fast things change. On our way home from my Mom’s house after Thanksgiving, (we had a good 5 hours in the car) Dave and I had a long talk about this whole infertility experience and whether or not we want to continue with ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) after my surgery. It’s pretty daunting to think about spending thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars to get pregnant and then have the possibility of failure. This led us to the next step… adoption.

I’ve long thought about adopting. Even if we were able to have biological children (which we still hope to), I believe adoption would be a wonderful thing to do. So, we’ve decided to foster-adopt! I’m so excited about it, and for the first time in quite a while, I have hope.

There is a lot to do before we get qualified, but the process is started. I made the call on Monday to our local DSHS. I was pretty nervous – my hands were shaking. I talked to a social worker and found out about an info class this week! We are going to that tomorrow night, we are already signed up for the required 30 hour class, and our home study paperwork should be in the mail today! After having been in the eternal wait of TTC (trying to conceive), this feels like progress.

I am still having surgery on Friday. After the recovery time, we will continue TTC. I can’t give up on the idea of being pregnant. It’s something I’ve always wanted to experience. I hope that we will be able to experience both.

Hope!

birthday girl

This is my Gaga. My great grandmother. She turned 106 last Friday. Isn't she beautiful?

Dave and I visited on Saturday. She doesn't remember too much these days, but when I call her Gog or Gaga (our family name for her) she knows that we are somehow related. She likes to kiss my hand and tell me that she will always remember our visit. I'm amazed by her vitality. Aside from her loss of sight and most of her hearing, she has remained in good health all this time. Might have something to do with her German blood.

When I was younger, I always thought how great it would be when I had children and we could gather 5 generations together. After my grandma passed away a few years ago, that dream vanished. But I still have held out hope that we will have a baby before Gaga goes. At 106, I'm not sure that will happen. Somehow, I am able to tie everything back to infertility.

hello Denver

We're in Denver today. Flew in yesterday evening and will be here until Wednesday evening. Dave has a training conference here at the hotel. Me? Right now I'm laying in the most comfortable bed ever. I decided not to be too ambitious on this trip. I brought a bunch of art supplies should the mood strike. I also brought the computer, iPod, books, and my nail polish. Mmmmm. I could get used to this! 

I didn't get much more information from the RE on Friday. He confirmed that they will be removing my right tube. It will mean a 4-5 day recovery vs. 2 days. And it will have to be done at the hospital instead of the clinic. We have a follow up appointment next Friday where I'm sure we will schedule the surgery. I'm pushing for sooner rather than later. I'm ready to get this done and move on. 

Well, I'm off to take a nap. :) We'll be heading into downtown Denver for dinner and check out the area a little after Dave finishes for the day. Love.